You have made it all the way here, so you may as well sit down, take a minute to look around, and enjoy. What you will find, depends on the day and my mood. You just never can tell.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What have you left behind?

I realized something today, when I look in the mirror, I don't really see "me" anymore.  I see my brown hair, or my blue eyes, but I don't actually see me.  When did that happen I wonder.  Was it recent?  Like in the winter when I was mourning the loss of the sun, did I lose myself as well?  I don't know.  As I said, I only really noticed it today.  I stopped and stared and I found that I was missing, hidden behind the shadows and the angles.  I don't even recognize the person in the reflection that stares back at me.  That person is too old to be me.  That person has sad eyes, why?  Is it the constant rain?  That person just can't be me.  Can it?

As I drove in to work today and in fact all the day long this has haunted me (which may be why my blog is so late in posting).  Did I sort of fade away over time, or did I vanish in a second.  As I sort my way through this thought, another comes to mind.  During my life have I touched the world at all or have I only waited for it to find me?  When I am gone will anyone remember me or will I just be gone?  In 200 years, will I only be a note in a census somewhere?  Oh I know you are thinking "But you have children, of course you will be remembered."  But will I really?  When you think of the people that have gone before you, do you really remember them or do you only remember their names or moments or even only other peoples memories of them?  What have I left behind of myself.  Will I be truly remembered?

This caused me to be even more haunted than I was already so I had to seriously give it some thought.  Here is what I have come up with.

1.  First and foremost, I do have my children.  I will live on in them and in their children, and their children's children.  I will be a part of them all.  (Do you ever wonder if that is what living forever really means?  I guess, that's a question for another day though).

2.  My stories.  They are out there for the world to see and read and enjoy.  Even if the computer and technological age come crashing down, my written word will still be out there somewhere. 

3.  My gifts of laughter to the people around me.  I have always tried to bring people joy and happiness.  Even if it's just for a moment, they will remember it.  . 

4.  My unceasing, unquestionable love of life and the people I share it with.

These are all that I could come up with.  I was a little sad a first that I could only come up with 4 things.  That's it?  Those four things are all that I have?  Then I thought about it.  Yes, those are the only things that I have......today.  What can I find to leave behind tomorrow?  What will I or can I accomplish tomorrow that will live on.  I don't know.  I'll have to wait and see.  So when I look in the mirror tonight will I see me or will I just see shapes and colors and angles.  I don't know.  I'll have to look to find out. 

Come on sunshine.  I really miss you.  I'm getting a little to maudlin for my own good. 



  1. Ahhh. Scary thought isn't it?
    I think the important legacies aren't necessarily material things. We leave behind kind words, a warm embrace, a smile, a gentle push all at the right time, to the people who really matter and who will always remember us.
    But really, Courtney, you have touched the lives of so many people and even though we've never met in person, you have made a difference in my life.

  2. Denise, thank you for that. I have to say I feel the same way about you. One day I will have to drive up to have a cuppa with you.


  3. Well I hate to say it, but take a better look in that mirror because in twenty years, you not only wont recognize yourself, you'll just darn right SCARE YOURSELF!! Yes, you can always count on ME to say it like it is. It's all a part of aging. I look in the mirror at 54 and crumble. Then I look at a picture of myself at 54 and say, "that is not me!! No way!!"
    But the fact is, it's us. And all the wrinkles, bags under our eyes, double chins and age spots are all symbols of our lives. We should all be thankful that we have those things because we've worked so hard to get them!
    I would love to be young and pretty again but wouldnt want to give up the things I've learned, done and accomplished for that. (I dont think!)
    Anyway, Courtney, you have left many marks on the world. Your children, your friends, your books, your stories, hopefully your grandchildren later on in life! You have alot more to accomplish and I can guarantee you, you will always be in my thoughts, even though we've never met in person. Like Denise, you've really touched me and become such a good friend and made a huge difference in my life.
    Now as soon as that sun does come your way, get out there and write a story about the feelings that you just described!

  4. Add me to the list of people who's world you have brightened and touched and affected change for the better!!! I think the gloomy weather really does play a big part in how we view things (and I've had enough of it too), but I also think maybe you expect something of yourself that isn't possible. Vlad the Impaler is "remembered", and sure it's great to have a book live on after you've gone, but I think it's the silent acts of goodness that perhaps speak the most, with your own children, with anyone. What you do now is really all that matters. Just by being you (cause you really are wonderful) and finding the good wherever and whenever you can. A tiny, surmountable part in evolution of the heart and mind that will one day change things for the better.

    I think you are right Allyn, I will definitely be scaring myself in the not too distant future! In fact, just don't look in mirrors if you can help it. It's refreshing not to fret on those matters anymore.

    There's a song by Beautiful South that I have always loved, 'Prettiest Eyes' (it reminds me of my grandmother's eyes and how even at 83, she still looks the same to me when she smiles and her blue eyes sparkle)... here's a little bit of the song (and sorry to make this long):

    "Now you're older and I look at your face
    Every wrinkle is so easy to place
    And I only write them down just in case
    You should die

    Lets take a look at these crows feet, just look
    Sitting on the prettiest eyes
    Sixty 25th of Decembers
    Fifty-nine 4th of Julys
    You can't have too many good times, children
    You can't have too many lines
    Take a good look at these crows feet
    Sitting on the prettiest eyes

    Well my eyes look like a map of the town
    And my teeth are either yellow or they're brown
    But you'll never hear the crack of a frown
    When you are here
    You'll never hear the crack
    Of a frown"

  5. You guys are a hoot. Its not really the aging part. I expect to age and get all old and wrinkly. Hahaha. You can't get around that. I just feel like I have lost something lately. I dont know. I am so thankful to have you guys around to kick me in the butt now and then. It helps.

    I need to hunt up that song Carrie. Maybe put it on the POD and enjoy. I loved it.

    Oh and its still raining.....sigh

  6. Courtney, I blame this awful weather. I feel down when it rains and is gray all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to cry, and I know that if the sun had been out I would've been outside playing with my daughter instead of stressing out over a million other things. I don't think you really lost something. I think it's just hiding behind all these clouds. Chin up, Courtney! The sun will come.

  7. Also look up Woman in the Wall by Beautiful South, Courtney. After the sun comes out. :) (They have a way of singing about odd things in a happy way)

    I wonder if creative types are more sensitive to environment and weather...