I realized something today, when I look in the mirror, I don't really see "me" anymore. I see my brown hair, or my blue eyes, but I don't actually see me. When did that happen I wonder. Was it recent? Like in the winter when I was mourning the loss of the sun, did I lose myself as well? I don't know. As I said, I only really noticed it today. I stopped and stared and I found that I was missing, hidden behind the shadows and the angles. I don't even recognize the person in the reflection that stares back at me. That person is too old to be me. That person has sad eyes, why? Is it the constant rain? That person just can't be me. Can it?
As I drove in to work today and in fact all the day long this has haunted me (which may be why my blog is so late in posting). Did I sort of fade away over time, or did I vanish in a second. As I sort my way through this thought, another comes to mind. During my life have I touched the world at all or have I only waited for it to find me? When I am gone will anyone remember me or will I just be gone? In 200 years, will I only be a note in a census somewhere? Oh I know you are thinking "But you have children, of course you will be remembered." But will I really? When you think of the people that have gone before you, do you really remember them or do you only remember their names or moments or even only other peoples memories of them? What have I left behind of myself. Will I be truly remembered?
This caused me to be even more haunted than I was already so I had to seriously give it some thought. Here is what I have come up with.
1. First and foremost, I do have my children. I will live on in them and in their children, and their children's children. I will be a part of them all. (Do you ever wonder if that is what living forever really means? I guess, that's a question for another day though).
2. My stories. They are out there for the world to see and read and enjoy. Even if the computer and technological age come crashing down, my written word will still be out there somewhere.
3. My gifts of laughter to the people around me. I have always tried to bring people joy and happiness. Even if it's just for a moment, they will remember it. .
4. My unceasing, unquestionable love of life and the people I share it with.
These are all that I could come up with. I was a little sad a first that I could only come up with 4 things. That's it? Those four things are all that I have? Then I thought about it. Yes, those are the only things that I have......today. What can I find to leave behind tomorrow? What will I or can I accomplish tomorrow that will live on. I don't know. I'll have to wait and see. So when I look in the mirror tonight will I see me or will I just see shapes and colors and angles. I don't know. I'll have to look to find out.
Come on sunshine. I really miss you. I'm getting a little to maudlin for my own good.